Never Let Me Go
by xblurryfacex
Summary: Dan and Phil are midway through their sixth year of Hogwarts, and today is their Defense Against the Dark Arts exam on boggarts. Simple, really - face your fear, point and shout, "RIDDIKULUS!" But no one quite knows what Dan Howell's biggest fear is, and Phil isn't sure he wants to let him find out on his own.
1. Falling Slowly

Hogsmeade was gloriously cold, the wind sweeping through the streets and ruffling scarves, cloaks and hair. The snow was bright white and packed in hills across the town. Students all bustled about, black robes trailing in the melt and slowly getting soaked. Dan sighed, pulling the body next to him closer.

Phil laughed. "Cold?"

"What do you think?" He replied, a failed attempt at sounding irritated. His breath appeared in small clouds of mist that brushed on Phil's neck. The Hufflepuff shivered.

Beforehand, they had crafted a plan together. Arriving at the front of the group of students, Dan and Phil had hurried to the opposite end of the town by the Shreiking Shack. Combining effort, they lifted a nearby table from the center of the village and scooted it as far away from the others as possible. It was a perfect perch, with a warm blanket spread beneath them on the hard wood.

They had been talking about how little they wanted to return to classes. Today was their test day in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Dan was anything but ready to preform his Ridikulus charm. But no matter how much he complained about it, he wouldn't tell Phil why he was so nervous.

"Is it because of your fear?" He finally asked after a break in conversation. Dan took his head from where it had been settled in the crook of Phil's neck and looked at him.

"What?"

"The test, the charm. Are you scared-"

"I'm not scared."

"-nervous, because of what your biggest fear is? Because if that's the case, you just always have to remember that it's not real."

Dan sat up straighter, his hand falling from Phil's. He sighed, fiddling with his silver and green tie.

"Not quite. Not really. I know that it's not real, and I don't think that's going to be the problem…"

There was another pause.

"Dan, are you sure you even know what your biggest fear is?"

"No. No, I'm not sure. What if it's something that will make people laugh? What if I'm ridiculed for my biggest fear?" He blurted.

Phil frowned at him, pulling Dan close once more. "You know that no one would do that. Dan, we're the gay couple of hogwarts. If we weren't ridiculed for that, then there's nothing anyone would make fun of you for in DADA."

The snow fell quietly around them, pooling on their blanket and on their lashes, dusting their hair and their robes.

"And besides, if anyone does try to laugh, I'll just beat them up." He gave a mock flex. Dan laughed, smacking his arm.

"Oh, please. A Hufflepuff like you? You couldn't hurt a fly."

"Just because I'm a Hufflepuff doesn't mean I can't hold my own." He stated, his voice mischievous.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Believe me, the times Louise would backhand me? She should have been in Gryffindor."

They reminisced about their friend then, and wondered how she was in the muggle world. Eventually, they wandered down to get a butterbeer and chat with PJ and Chris. Dan hoped, prayed that the trip would last forever.

Of course, not many things went Dan's way.

Afternoon sunlight illuminated the classroom. Dan sat crammed next to his fellow sixth-year Slytherins, trying not to make eye contact with Phil across the room. Instead, he focused on each of his classmate's performances. Spiders, heights, the paranormal. Dan flinched at the last one, the fear also raising his heart rate. But that couldn't be it. No, Dan had larger fears than that of Samara lurking behind the cupboard doors.

"Dan Howell?"

It was time. He stood, edging his way down the seats and tripping to a stop in front of the large cabinet. Chris winked at him from the first row of green and silver. Dan, again, forced himself not to look for Phil. Instead, he drew his wand, took a very deep breath, and nodded.

The doors swung open. He waited for a beast, a darkness, anything to consume him in a dramatic engulfment. He waited. But what stepped from the shelves was a boy. A boy with hair dark enough to absorb all light, with eyes bright enough to captivate anyone in the room. He watched Phil stumble from the cupboard, his yellow and black tie strung loosely around his neck. His white shirt was half tucked in, sleeves messily rolled. The black robe around his shoulders was tilted ever so slightly to the left. Dan's breath caught in his throat - he was exactly the same. The same as the boy who had held him just hours before in the falling snow.

But if this was his Phil, why was he emerging from the Boggart cabinet?

Phil finally looked up at Dan, who was frozen with his wand pointed stiffly ahead. And Phil gave a sympathetic little smirk. There was something off about him….

"Dan." He said. And his voice was the same. What was different?

Phil sauntered around behind Dan and rose to whisper in his ear. "Why would I ever waste my time on you?"

The voice was so sickeningly familiar, the breath on his face something he had learned to be a calming gesture. But Dan felt anything but calm.

Phil circled back around in front of him. "A Slytherin? Really? Did you actually expect me to be able to fall in love with a Slytherin?" He laughed, but his laugh was hollow. Dan's chest tightened uncontrollably.

"So naive, Dan. You actually thought, truly believed that I could love you. How pitiful." He smirked again. "Just like you to make idiotic mistakes trying to follow your heart. Worthless."

The words echoed in his head, and Dan didn't even notice the tears streaking his face. It wasn't the words that hurt him, pierced him through with a knife, but rather where the words were stemming from. His Phil, the boy whom he trusted, his first outlet, first crush, first kiss - it was a nightmare, folding back on him.

Because of course Phil didn't want him. Who would ever want him?

"You're nothing, Dan. No one will ever love you because there is nothing there to love. Your insecurities cover you up and smother everything good about you. No one, not even me would be able to see past that." He took Dan's tear-soaked face in one hand roughly. "You should have accepted that years ago when you still had the chance to pull the plug."

"RIDDIKULUS!"

Phil fell apart like dust, evaporating into black and fading into the cupboard with a loud SNAP of the doors. It took Dan a moment to realize there was a hand on his wrist, and that the counter spell was not uttered of his own accord.

Phil, real Phil, lovely Phil, spun Dan around by the shoulders and shook him, his hands tight and shaking. His eyes were round and brimming with tears. Every bone in his body seemed to convey the same message; are you ok?

Dan realized, then, that he was still standing in the middle of his DADA classroom. He had been crying, and his wand was on the ground. It was silent, apart from Phil's frantic attempt at getting his attention.

"Dan? Dan, it wasn't real, it wasn't real -" Phil pulled him into a secure embrace. Dan was still stiff.

"Do you really think I could ever say that to you? Dan, please, I would never, ever hurt you. Please. You're beautiful and talented and funny and lovely, so so lovely…" He hugged him tighter.

"Please don't leave me?"

"Never. Never ever, not in a hundred thousand years Dan."


	2. Self-Defense

It was extremely, uncomfortably silent, Dan soon realized. No one stirred. His body tensed instantly in Phi's arms. _No - nonononono this did not just happen, everyone saw, everyone -_

Phil's hand gripped Dan's arm, and his mouth was close to his ear. He whispered so quietly that Dan almost didn't make out what he had said. But the tight grip on his arm made him focus on his words instead of the impending doom of his classmate's and Phil's utter outcasting of the both of them.

"They're not going to do anything, Dan, I swear on it. I swear." he breathed deeply. "Just relax, please, don't freak out. These are your friends."

Dan took a very long, deep breath, and Phil released him.

He had to blink a few times to clear his vision. Blurred tears had been resting on his eyes, so the people sitting before him were just misshapen colors, blobs of yellow and green. He blinked again. The first face he met was Chris's.

And Chris had this look on his face - concern. And he hands were on his seat as if he were about to get up at any moment. Dan's heart twisted. He glanced at other faces, other friends, other Slytherins and saw - he saw many things. He saw shock, and fear, and concern again. He saw confusion, and sadness.

Dan turned and met the eyes of some of Phil's friends. Hands twisted scarves in what looked like a worrying habit. He saw a girl wipe her sleeve under her eye.

And in the small crowd, he didn't see one face of disgust. Not one horrified stare, not a single glare of hatred. Every cell in his body took one unified breath of relief - for the time being.

The professor quietly dismissed the class. On his way out the door, Dan received a slip of paper from them that read, _Please see me some other time if you would be willing to retake your exam ~_

As he entered the hallway, most people just found their friend and kept on walking, talking and laughing and going on with their day like nothing was of their concern. In fact, almost everyone did this aside from Phil, Chris and this one Hufflepuff girl. She stopped right on her way out and said to Dan,

"I'm sorry, boggarts really are the devil in disguise." she then rose up on her tip-toes and give him a small kiss on the cheek, a soft smile, and skipped away.

In one hand, Dan still clutched his wand. In the other, he held Phil's hand mercilessly.

Chris slapped a hand onto his shoulder and sighed. "Alright. Enough mopin' - come now, everyone knows you're a big sap... it's not going to kill you."

Dan shrugged. Chris spun around and walked backwards in front of Dan and Phil.

"Think of it this way. You got lucky - it's Hufflepuff and Slytherin that were in there, not Ravenclaw and Gryffindor."

"Why is that lucky?"

Chris laughed. "You've got Hufflepuff - they aren't going to breath a word about it, and most likely, there'll be a plate of Pumpkin Spice Pumpkin Cookies sitting outside the Slytherin common room later."

Dan nodded. "Ok. I buy it."

"And I'll kick anyone that even tries to mention it." Phil interjected. "I mean - if you want me to."

"And you _are_ a Slytherin."

Dan paused. "Yeah...so?"

" _Sooo,_ they're not about to talk bad about their own house member. Now if you were a Gryffindor?" he chuckled. "You'd be dead. But Slytherins have this thing called 'house pride', and they've got a lot of it. I would know, since I am one." he beamed. "They're going to stick up for you if anyone comes knocking, and they _will_ hex someone if they need to."

"What makes Gryffindor and Ravenclaw so bad, then?"

"Hey, I never said they were bad! I only said you were lucky. Let's say you were in Ravenclaw - you would be nit-picked and given so many pointers on how to best pass your exam when you retake it that you'd rather not be there. Ravenclaws are wonderful people - I personally love Ravenclaws," he wiggled his eyebrows. Phil slapped a hand on his forehead. "But they aren't great for getting you out of a jam without accidentally spreading it around like wildfire."

They turned a corner and started walking up gratuitous amounts of stairs.

"And Gryffindors?"

"Do I even have to explain? Slytherin has house pride; Gryffindor had _pride,_ pride. They'd be wounded that one of their bravest had succumbed to a boggart."

"Isn't that a little discriminatory?" Phil pointed out.

"No - Gryffindors are the _best._ Always down for parties, and they never fail to slip me a good seat at the quidditch matches. But they're known for being strong. You might've been pretty bad off if they were a part of this whole situation."

"But they weren't."

"Exactly!" Chris slapped Dan on the shoulder once more. "I've got to run - probably going to be late." he shrugged. "Meh. Hey, don't beat yourself up, ok?" he gave Dan a stern but concerned look. "Fear isn't something to be ashamed of."

He then ran off.

"You're going to be late to your class as well, Phil. You'd better get going..."

"We aren't going to class, you nerd."

Dan looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you shouldn't have to go to class. Nope - we're going to hide somewhere and we're just going to talk." he squeezed Dan's hand.

Dan only nodded, his stomach twisting.

The snow had, for the moment, stopped falling. But the air was still icy, and Dan felt a shiver trail through his spine. Phil was sitting across from him, but he so desperately wanted to curl into a ball at his side. Now that they were alone, the embarrassment, the fear, the guilt - it washed over him. He stared at Phil with a sad look in his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

Phil's eyebrows shot up. "What?"

"I said I'm sorry."

"Why -" Phil blinked at him, eyes wide. "Why on _earth_ are you apologizing to me?"

Now Dan was confused. "Because - I thought I might have embarrassed you are made you cross since my greatest fear was you..."

Phil was still for a moment. Then he started laughing, quietly at first, but then he was holding his stomach and giggling like a school girl. Dan's face reddened.

"What? What've I said? Phil!"

"Oh my gosh, Dan, please, _never_ be sorry for something so ridiculous." he said, looking at him sternly. "You did _not_ embarrass me, and I am _not_ cross with you. I'm sorry that _I_ didn't establish how much you meant to me beforehand." he shook his head. "Then maybe that wouldn't have happened at all. Then, maybe Samara would've come crawling out of the cabinet and you would have been all, _RIDIKULUS!_ and..." he sighed. "I'm sorry, Dan."

Dan smiled at him pitifully. "Don't be, ok? I shouldn't be so stupid to think that you would ever say that..." he hesitated.

"Dan?"

"But I can't help thinking, you know? Thinking that I'm going to revert back to who I was years ago. Someone that didn't matter to anyone, a boy with no purpose and no one to care about. I have no monetary value - so someone like you, someone as wonderful as you... it's not hard to imagine that there are people out there that are more worthy than I am."

Phil took both of his hands and willed Dan to look him in the eyes. He did, reluctantly.

"I wouldn't ever have led you on like this if I had any intention of finding someone else. We were best friends so quickly for a reason, and... you know, after that night, after I found out about you, more... _in depth,_ it's not like I would ever choose to go back anyway. You were the first person I had ever fallen truly head over heels for, and I love you. So, so much, dear _God_ do I love you."

And Phil kissed him, gently and quietly, but the message was conveyed so well that Dan was almost brought to tears again. How could he be so naive? God, this boy, he didn't deserve him. Didn't deserve how good he was, how magnificent he was... but as he kissed him, he realized he would never give him up without a fight.

"Daniel James, I expected more from you! Late to class, out here snogging..." a shrill voice of a professor broke through the pristine bubble that the two had created for themselves. The woman stepped closer and gasped again.

"Phillip Michael! How _dare_ you - skipping class, and you're such a good student, gah..." she clucked her tongue. "I had such high expectations of you boys!"

Dan and Phil fell back, hands in the snow, and looked sheepishly at the ground. But they stole a glance, and grinned, even as they were pulled back into the school by their scarves.


End file.
